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You Look Like I Need a Drink

**Not Quite Web 2.0**

The 7 Highly Effective Steps For The Perfect Exit

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The 7 Highly Effective Steps For The Perfect Exit
this is a continuation from my former posts on myspace. this will be the only repeat post.

1.barricade your cubicle by turning your desk sideways so that it blocks the entrance and the only way into your cube is under the legroom of your desk. your boss will appreciate this when he/she has to crawl on hands and knees to get close enough to yell at you.

2.those big boxes of paper from staples or office depot? grab 9 (not at one time unless you are pumped up like the governor of California; baby) and place them on top of your desk so that no one can climb over your barricade. if you have a file cabinet, wedge it between the wall and your desk so now one can push your desk in. also grab a fire extinguisher and store it in the legroom under your desk.

3.go to the storage supply area and grab all the rubber bands, paper clips, rubber cement and pens so you can create office versions of modern warefare weapons (see bleacheatingfreaks.com for schematics on building a paperclip claymore mine). place traps in non-obvious places and make sure you know the nearest way to the emergency exit.

4.this one must be done after work hours or before. empty a small waste basket, go from cubicle to cubicle raiding each desk for change (and toss it in the wastebasket you are carrying). also, if any of your co-workers smoke, grab their lighters or matches. with this change, go to the vending machine in your building and stock up on supplies using your stolen change. also while you are at work by yourself, deactivate all all the ceiling sprinklers (if you dont know how to do this google it- im not going to hold your hand and wipe your ass as well).

5.make sure you have access to your phone, carry and extra cell phone (keep it turned off until needed and use one of those pay-as-you-go ones) for emergencies and if your company uses walkie talkies, swipe one after hours so you can monitor the monitors.

6.remember all that rubber cement you nicked? it is now time to fortify your domain. pour the rubber cement on the top of the walls of the cubicle carefully making sure that it is only coating the top layer and if there is any run-off that it is running down the opposite side of the walls in your cubicle (also make sure the cement is all inter-connected and not to have any on your hands or clothes). also make sure to pour the rubber cement all over those boxes of paper that are sitting on top of your desk. leave the hole under the legroom of your desk (which should be blocking the exit) free of rubber cement. if you haven't already figured what the rubber cement is for, it is your OUT when your boss, co-workers and cops come trying to tear down the walls of your cube. all you have to do is put a match to the rubber cement and you now have an effective shield.

7.if all has gone according to plan, your office should be a smoldering mass of black smoke and confusion. after eating your doritos, snickers and other snacks bought from the expense of your fellow co-workers, grab a handful of pens, stick the tips in your leftover rubber cement, light them and lob them over the walls of your cubicle. they should stick to what they hit, instantly igniting anything that can be burned. this is where you have to use your own imagination how to make your exit. Me? i would grab that fire extinguisher, flood the first fuck that is trying to catch me (hopefully boss number 2) and yell "peace out bitches, i QUIT."

~aL

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posted by aL, 8:18 PM

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